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Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 24, 2012 11:30pm PDT
. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags. [ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce papers? proof that obama's white half is also black? [ laughter ] no, even bigger. trump dropped a ten-mega-trump bombshell. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications; and if he gives his passport applications and records; i will give to a charity of his choice-- inner city children in chicago, american cancer society, aids research, anything he wan
Comedy Central
Oct 22, 2012 7:00pm PDT
that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reason for that. he is going to be sitting on a bar stool and mitt romney is a mormon, so he doesn't spend a lot of time on bar stools, according to his aides, because he doesn't drink. >> colbert: yes. that is true. that is true. you should know that. only people who drink know how to sit on stools. that's why, whenever you see someone successfully sitting on one, that is an early sign of alcoholism. seek help!, please! >> the guy falling off the s
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 11:30pm PDT
countries that pose a threat to israel. a threat that obama has done nothing to stop. >> we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. >> yes. four years after obama was elected, four whole years have passed. (laughter) the president did nothing to stop the march of time (laughter) not only is iran four years closer to a nuclear bomb, if you think about it, everybody is. even me! (cheers and applause) admittedly, i'm still far away. the mentos and diet coke stage. but still. (laughter) and, folks, mitt laid out his prosecution of the president's weak leadership. >> four years ago the president began what i called an apology tour of going to various nations in the middle east and criticizing america. i think they look at that and saw weakness. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama w
Comedy Central
Oct 22, 2012 11:30pm PDT
happened, like mitt romney unhinged his jaw and swallowed obama whole and then spend an hour and a half just like this, digesting him. but i don't know what happened. but i'm excited. here it is, your moment of zen. >> let's talk about... >> he made a fool of himself. he made a fool of himself in the last debate. >> the issue here... >> we are reaching that point tonight that i didn't want to reach. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ( cheers and applause ) chanting stephen's name] >> stephen: welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. nation, tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former governor mitt romney and future former president barack obama. [ laughter ] i'm tivoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservate romney kicked the lethargic or energetic obama's ass. love laugh a lot of option
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 1:30am PDT
presidential debate between former governor mitt romney and future former president barack obama. [ laughter ] i'm tivoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservate romney kicked the lethargic or energetic obama's ass. love laugh a lot of option there's. -- options there. [ laughter ] of course, these debates may not matter at all. because there's one issue that could invalidate the entire election. >> voter fraud it's a big concern in this case. >> voter fraud allegations. voter fraud? >> stephen: yes, voter fraud. now, i'm not going to bore you with any shocking examples of voter fraud because it is virtually non-existent. [ laughter ] but i say we can't be too careful, folks. anybody voting that i don't personally know is kind of suspicious. [ laughter ] thankfully, there are some heroes out there trying to keep this process pure. >> a republican worker is arrested for voter fraud. >> he is a contractor. >> someone working at a business in a local g.o.p. headquarters building spotted a man dumping voter registration form. they found 8 completed forms in the dumpster. >> ste
Comedy Central
Oct 22, 2012 10:30am PDT
before i talk about race. okay? all right. how does the law stand right now in this case? if the obama girls were amying to the university of texas would they get preferential placement because of race? >> the thing about them is you could imagine them having an advantage in admission because they are celebrity kids. >> stephen: just imagine just their father had nuclear weapons. african-american kids get placement under these rules? >> not necessarily. it's one of personal attributes the school can take into account. they don't have to favor an african-american wealthy public can't. >> stephen: what is this girl complaining about? >> she said it happened to her because it's possible race is in the mix for some of the kids who got in and she did not. >> stephen: what are the factors legacy, if your dad gave a library. >> community service, leadership, socioeconomic background. you have to write he ises is a. there's a long list of things. >> stephen: how do you think it's going to go? >> i don't think it's going to go well for university of texas and affirmative action because justice
Comedy Central
Oct 25, 2012 11:30pm PDT
>> that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> puts his arm behind barack obama's back. >> the president will maneuver, he will get a couple smacks back, bam, right here, tag fixes his pants and gets in this broadside display like captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (c
Comedy Central
Oct 26, 2012 1:30am PDT
equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study is bull. and cnn knows it because they pulled the article saying it did not meet their editorial standards. damn straight. this study is offensive. all women are like mindless hormone zombies following pheromone trails like so many worker ants to the poles? no, come on, it's the 21st century. women don't make decisions based on what's down here. they make decision on what's up here. the shape of their skulls, okay. (laughter) you see phrenology tells us that if women lack a prominent occipital ridge, okay, right across this area, that means they eschew causality, a propensity seen here in the skull of this octoroon murderer. okay, now of course the simplest way to predict a woman's political leans, throw them into the river. if they float, then-- (cheers and applause) and speaking of witches, folks, halloween is right around the corner. but unfortunately, the obama economy means a lot of people can't
Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)